Batch #8: You've Got Furiously Departed Mail
Yeah, I got no connecting theme in this one either. I can tell you that I watched The Departed while making onion rings, because making a decent amount of onion rings is a ridiculously labor intensive and stupidly long process (but WORTH IT) so I needed a stupidly long movie to go along with it, and that was all I really knew about The Departed. It worked out well.
THE MOVIES
Movie #37: The Departed (2006) | R
[My DVR’ed version lacked approximately half the dialogue, since all the curse words were redacted, but I think I got the gist]
That was pretty good! With a premise like this — an undercover cop infiltrating the mafia and trying to find the mole in the police department, while the mole in the police department is trying to find the cop in the mafia — it could have gotten very convoluted, but it doesn't; it stays very focused and streamlined. I wasn't thrilled with how they chose to...resolve everything in the end, but that's a matter of taste, I suppose.
I just also really have to say that this is one of those movies where the absence of women is glaring. It's a LONG movie, with a HUGE cast (probably 15-20 significant characters and probably around 50 minor walk-ons) and only ONE woman with a significant speaking part. (I can think of two other walk-on women who are mostly there for scenery and have one or two lines each.) And that's it. I am dying for a day when women get long, well-plotted, character-rich movies like this. I want a genderswapped version YESTERDAY. Leo can be the token chick in my version.
Or even just one of the major male characters could have been a woman. Imagine if Matt Damon's character had been a woman? So many great layers go along with that -- being a female cop, a father-daughter type relationship with the mob boss, a lesbian relationship with the love interest -- it only makes the character more complex, without the writing even having to change much at all.
Hollywood just really has no imagination when it comes to women.
Movie #38: You’ve Got Mail (1998) | PG
Kiddos, this is what we in the fanfic biz call "Identity Porn." Ie, one or both characters has a secret identity which causes lots of dramatic irony, comedy, and/or angst, ultimately leading to a grand reveal and sometimes, but not always, actual porn. It is a pretty foolproof formula, usually involving superheroes, and I devour it constantly.
In my estimation, being as I am a connoisseur of identity porn in fanfic, this is mid-tier identity porn, with points taken off for the rushed ending and complete lack of apology from Tom Hanks' character for his disgustingly manipulative behavior in the second half of the movie. (Also, the emotional infidelity was completely unnecessary; there were enough other obstacles.) But there is a lot of cuteness and fun moments along the way, because like I said, it's pretty hard to mess this up when you commit to it.
(To be clear, I don't think that Hanks' character's behavior was unforgivable or even difficult to understand -- he was insecure and terrified that Meg Ryan would never be able to like him for him so he kept up the pretense and lied and lied and lied. I get it. It's a staple of Identity Porn. What's missing is an acknowledgement of that betrayal of trust and an apology where she's allowed space to hold him accountable for how screwed up that was, and chooses to forgive him.)
Also it was kind of heartbreaking to see that racist and sexist caricature supermarket cashier character played by the incredibly talented Sara Ramirez. I'm so glad she was able to move on to much better roles than what was available to Latina actresses then.
Movie #39: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) | PG-13
Can we all just say:
Hugh Jackman - in general, and in this role in specific - HOT DAMN. (And I don't even mean the muscles, I just mean *gestures vaguely from head to toe* all that.)
Thanks to this movie, I now get to use the phrase “Hugh Lumberjackman.”
The rest of the movie is fine. Nothing especially memorable but, aside from the fatphobic jokes, nothing egregiously bad. I have some positive and some negative feelings about the choices they made with the romance, but it was fun to see Taylor Kitsch! I’ve loved him in all the roles I’ve seen him in.
I wish a) that there had been more with the team in the beginning, because they were AWESOME (Dominic Monaghan as a technomage? Sign me up for HIS film series), and b) there had been more development early on of the brotherly bond between Wolverine and Sabertooth, because having Sabertooth just be a psychopath wasn’t that interesting or a good catalyst of internal conflict. And Deadpool -- well, that was a disturbing origin story that does not represent the character at all. The powers were cool though.
Movie #40: The Fast and the Furious (2001) | PG-13
Alternatively titled: “How A Craptastic Boss and Terrible, Needlessly-Rushed Policing Policies Destroyed A Good Detective’s Faith in The System and Pushed Him Into a Life of Crime”
I expected this movie to be a screaming mess of testosterone poisoning and car porn, and large chunks of it is exactly that, but the parts that are not are really what makes it worth watching. For the first third, I was like, “how the heck did they stretch out this empty bad boy car nonsense into a multi-movie franchise?” but once the backstory for Paul Walker’s character (RIP, Paul Walker) shows up, I got how. The movie ends in a cliffhangery spot, and I do actually want to see the sequel.
Fun fact: in automotive school, my classmates loved ripping these movies to shreds and mocking how bad the car jargon is and how silly the concepts of what makes a fast car were. “And don’t forget the decal! Decal adds 400 horsepower!”
Though frankly, the most unrealistic part is that no one talks about replacing the oxygen sensor and other sensors with simulators, when they obviously had to do that because NONE of these cars are complying with emissions standards or could pass inspection without faking all the sensor data. (Though I suppose illegal drag racers aren’t getting car inspections. Carry on.)
Movie #41: Beauty and the Briefcase (2010) | PG-13
I think I may have actually started this one before but not finished it? Or did I finish it and just completely forget because it’s so substanceless?
I love Chris Carmack (I’m so glad he’s currently a regular on Grey’s Anatomy) but good lord, that accent was so fake.
And if I stopped in the middle last time, it was probably because Hilary Duff’s character is the worst, an embodiment of the terrible stereotypes about women being obsessed with finding a man to the exclusion of all else. She was my least favorite character in the movie -- everyone else was surprisingly okay.
The final message of the movie, that it’s important to let go of fantasy in order to enjoy the reality of actual relationships, is an all right message, but applies more when your fantasies and checklists are as superficial as Hilary Duff’s -- “sexy accent” “travels to exotic places on a whim,” “dramatic public fights,” etc. Less applicable when the criteria are “able to have an enjoyable conversation” or “on the same page regarding having children.” You know, grownup criteria.